Five types of people you will find at a Ghanaian wedding

“Does anyone have any reason why these two should not be joined in matrimony? Speak or forever hold your peace,” the minister said. There is silence. The groom’s heart is racing; he starts to sweat small. The bride stares at him with squinting eyes. Everyone in the aisle glances about in anticipation. Still silence. The groom breathes a sigh of relief. And then the doors slam open and the Side Chick Geng make their entrance. “I OBJECT!”

You’d think it’s a telenovela but trust it’s Ghana. It’s almost like a cliche movie but let’s face facts: a lot of Ghanaian weddings have become clichéd and we love it. I mean, if it trends and it works then keep it until you exhaust it.

Wedding guests are always major fixtures at Ghanaian weddings. We have the aunties that the bride hasn’t seen in over 10 years but somehow they know everything about the groom’s family. Even his blood type. Or the bachelors (and sometimes not so single men) who make it their duty to bodyguard any buxom or curvaceous lady friend of the bride.

We are honestly surprised Ghallywood has not made a Ghanaian version of the Wedding Party. Until that happens, we will be sharing our cast of characters.

Here are 5 types of people you’ll find at a typical Ghanaian wedding:

1. The Inquisitive Aunties

These are the women that will always be asking “When will you marry, when will you marry?”. Now, on the day of the wedding, you will see them frowning and pointing out everything that is wrong. “This dress material ‘de33…hmm’.”

2. The Overzealous MC

Your job is to come and handle the wedding reception, solicit donations and go, but no oh. They wrote on their CV that they go over and beyond to please customers and go over and beyond what they will do. They will point out every insecurity or anxious expression the groom or the bride makes. They’ll embarrass you and then say, “Wu f3re anaa?” Imagine that.

3. The ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ Gang

Weddings are supposed to be beautiful, elegant full of poise, and… No! This gang isn’t about that calm and collected life. One of their own is getting married so they must celebrate. These are the ones who will turn the dance floor with ‘asabone’ moves that will make you want to hide your face.

4. The “Akweley Y3 Shia” Squad

They didn’t come to a wedding. They came to a buffet. They need you to be snappy with the service and start the reception. Do you think they carried two tote bags to your wedding to give you gifts? You lie bad!! They came to chop-chop and carry more food for their other three stomachs at home.

5. The Too-Known Camera Man

“Issokay issokay”, we know you are doing your job. But they will be doing the absolute most. Somersaulting and jumping here and there as if they are National Geographic photographers shooting lions in the wild. And the annoying thing is they will send you the photo album 6 months after the wedding hashtag has been cast.

6. The Rowdy Fellas

They’ll make noise and hype the groom from start to finish. They’ll shove anyone aside as they make their presence known. But it’s all love. Mark time by keeping a count of the number of Guinness bottles around them. When it passes six then you know the wedding party is just getting started.